


Units From Heaven

by jdrush



Series: The StarkQuill Bunch [1]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humour, M/M, excessive use of f-bombs, gen with hints of pre-slash, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 10:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11102664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdrush/pseuds/jdrush
Summary: The Guardians arrive on Earth with a dire warning.  Perhaps someone should have warned them about Anthony Edward Stark.  Takes place approximately three years after “Captain America:  Civil War”, and the Avengers are still estranged.  (I guess that’s the nicest word for it.)





	Units From Heaven

TITLE: Units From Heaven*  
AUTHOR: J.D. Rush  
FANDOM: MARVEL, MCU–Iron Man and Guardians of the Galaxy  
PAIRING: Tony Stark/Peter Quill kinda  
RATING: R for excessive f-bombs and sexual innuendo (I mean, it IS Tony Stark after all)  
SPOILERS: a couple of minor ones for “Guardians of the Galaxy 2”, nothing too damaging  
SUMMARY: The Guardians arrive on Earth with a dire warning. Perhaps someone should have warned them about Anthony Edward Stark. Takes place approximately three years after “Captain America: Civil War”, and the Avengers are still estranged. (I guess that’s the nicest word for it.)  
DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to MARVEL and Disney and anyone else who could sue me. I also stole borrowed a couple of lines from “The Avengers”. I’ll return them when I’m done with them.  
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Humour, it’s what I do. This turned out more cracky than I expected, and while I poke fun at Tony, it’s done with deep love. Also, I don’t know how long it takes Groot’s species to age or how the aging process works in space; for the sake of argument, let’s say he’s now the equivalent of early 20’s, ‘kay?  
SECOND AUTHOR’S NOTE: Many thanks to my lovely friend, Michele, for giving me the encouragement to write this, even though it meant putting up with my current Iron Man obsession and my crippling writer’s block. The XF joke is just for you, sweetie.

_Italics mean inner thoughts_

“Boss, an unidentified flying object has landed in the south corner of the Compound.”

“Unidentified? As in…”

“As in a space ship, Boss. It just appeared and…”

Tony Stark didn’t wait to hear the rest of what FRIDAY had to say. With a flick of his wrist, his armor formed around him; in the blink of an eye, he was suited up and flying out to meet his ultimate nightmare. He had been preparing for this moment for years, and he was ready. Whatever came out of that ship was going to regret even thinking about coming to Earth, let alone being stupid enough to actually do it.

Tony landed about ten feet from the brightly coloured alien craft, the mid-day sun reflecting off its vivid blue and orange hull. He barely had a moment to be thankful that he had stuck to classic hot-rod red and gold for his suit when he noticed a side door begin to lower and a shadow crossed the opened hatch. Bracing his hands in front of him, Tony powered up his repulsors. 

_Okay, Stark, here we go. Showtime. Shoot first, ask questions later. Bring it on, you space motherfuckers. You are going DOWN!_

The invader appeared. It was a large grey bald male humanoid; shirtless, his bare torso was covered in intricate scarlet scars. He wandered slowly out of the ship, his red-rimmed ice blue eyes looking around in wonder, a big smile on his pudgy face.

“What the fuck?” Tony muttered under his breath.

The first visitor was followed by another male humanoid who was wearing some kind of metal mask with red-disk eye lenses which rendered his face completely unreadable and reminded Tony a bit too much of that putz, Ant-Man. He was decked out in a long brown leather duster, two high-tech guns strapped to his waist like a genuine space cowboy.

“No, what the actual fuck?” Tony asked again.

At that point, two shapely female aliens made their way down the ship’s ramp–one was a stunning brunette with green skin, the other was pretty with pale skin, big dark eyes and two tiny stalks protruding from her head. Tony gave them the once-over and nodded.

“Okay, hot chicks. Good. I can work with that, even the antenna. But I still gotta ask… What. The. Fuck?”

He didn’t get an answer. Instead he got a fifth alien, and this one was definitely not humanoid. In fact, it looked like a raccoon, walking on its hind legs, and wearing a uniform that contained more weaponry than Black Widow on a normal Thursday morning. Tony tried to remember if he had gotten drunk last night so he could explain all this away as nothing more than a severe hangover.

“What in the name of fuckitude is going on here?” Tony groused. “I seriously don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit, and I get paid a fuck-ton, thank you very much.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when a tall tree-like creature lumbered out of the ship and walked over to stand with the others. With a disbelieving headshake, Tony threw up his hands in defeat. “You know what? I’m out of fucks. Seriously, there are not enough fucks in my data bank for this. I surrender. Take me to your leader. What the fuck ever.”

“I am Groot,” the tree-creature rumbled, its arms–or rather limbs–stretched out wide in greeting.

“Yeah, right, you come in peace,” Tony snorted with a sarcastic laugh. “I’ve seen that movie, pal. Not buying what you’re selling.”

“I am Groot,” the creature repeated, the tone of the words slightly different from the first time.

Hearing that, Tony lowered his hands. Retracting his helmet, he glanced over his left shoulder towards the cluster of trees at the edge of the field. “Yeah, I suppose she’s sexy. For a tree. I don’t know. Elms never did it for me. Give me a Northern Red Oak anytime. Nothing like a redhead, right?”

“I am Groot?” the creature asked, curiously.

“Nah, none around here,“ Tony answered. "Sorry, bud. Get it? I called you ‘bud’, because you’re a tree and you sprout buds. Or maybe you don’t, seeing as you’re an alien tree. Maybe you sprout, I don’t know, starfish or cupcakes or something weird like that. Although a cupcake sprouting tree would be pretty fucking fantastic, now that I think about it.”

“I am Groot!” Now the creature sounded miffed.

“Hey, not my fault for once,” Tony fired back. “I wanted to plant some, but Bruce wouldn’t have it. He’s a big Earth Day kind of guy. ‘You can’t bring in non-native plants, Tony.’ ‘They mess with the ecosystem, Tony.’ ‘I told you to buy organic, water-based lube, Tony.’ Do you know how hard it is to find that in Key Lime Pie flavour? I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s a total honeybun. Well, when he’s not turning into a big green rage monster.” He gestured over at the green female alien. “I can hook you up with him. You two would make a good looking couple.”

“Wait a minute!” Cos-play Ant-Man cut in, obviously flustered. Pointing at the tree creature, he asked, “You understand him?”  


“Well, yeah,” Tony replied, “he’s a great conversationalist. Much more eloquent than our current (sarcastic air quotes) ‘president’, I can tell you that for free.”

“I am Groot.”

Tony let out a loud belly laugh. “You got that right! I‘ve done business with that douche canoe. *I* sure as hell didn’t vote for him.”

The cowboy stepped forward and demanded, “HOW can you understand him? I’ve been traveling with him for YEARS and I still don’t get it!”

With a shrug of his armor-covered shoulders, Tony remarked, “Compared to Dum-E, he’s practically Oscar Wilde.”

Retracting his own helmet, Definitely Not Ant-Man said, “I have no idea who that is. And what is a Dum-E?”

Tony was momentarily knocked breathless by the handsome green-eyed, artfully-bearded face that the helmet revealed. “Whoa! Wow! Was not expecting that! FRIDAY, take a note–the chicks aren’t the only hot aliens on that ship.”

“If you call me a chick once more, I’ll pull your spleen out through your nose and make you eat it,” the green chick, _ahhh, female humanoid_ snarled.

“No offense intended,“ Tony quickly apologized. “Seriously, I meant it strictly as a compliment. You’re total babes. Plus, I sort of don’t know your names.”

The green alien chick, _ahhh, babe, ahhh, lady_ tilted her head and narrowed her eyes menacingly, causing Tony to take a step back in case his spleen was still in danger. (He wasn’t entirely sure what a spleen was but he certainly didn’t want to eat one, especially his own). After a moment, she conceded, “Okay, I’ll let it slide. For now.”

“She’s getting soft,” the furry raccoon-like being chuckled.

She turned her glare on the critter, for which Tony was thankful. “I’ll show you soft,” she hissed.

“I’ve seen her soft and it’s not half bad,” Hunky Not-Ant Man smirked, and Tony fell just a little bit in love with him.

Green girl took a deep breath, released it slowly, and started again. “I’m Gamora. And this,” motioning to the bug alien, “is Mantis.”

Mantis smiled, making her already pretty face glow. “Hello, you have a beautiful world,” she said, her voice soft and soothing. “I look forward to seeing more.”

“So do I,” Tony replied, suavely, throwing in a wink for good measure.

“Don’t tell me–you flirt with everyone, don‘t you?” Gamora asked.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Tony admitted with a smug grin

Shaking her head in dismay, Gamora muttered, “Great. Another one. What did I ever do to deserve this?”

“You were an intergalactic assassin who killed many people and destroyed untold lives,” the big bald alien stated matter-of-factly.

“Yes, right I did do that,” Gamora admitted between gritted teeth. “Thank you for reminding me.”

“You are welcome,” the big bald alien said, totally without sarcasm or irony. “However, I do not understand how you could forget something like that.”

Gamora clenched her fists tightly and took another deep breath. The calming techniques Mantis had taught her usually worked when she was ready to kill her crewmates, though not always as the hole she had recently punched in the galley’s door would testify. Pointing to the big bald paisley-printed alien she continued, “That’s Drax and the ‘other hot alien’ as you so obnoxiously put it, is our captain, Peter Quill.”

“I am Groot,” the tree announced proudly.

"You’ve already met Groot,” Gamora commented dryly, “and last but not least…”

“I’m Rocket,” the furry animal creature cut in. Looking up at Gamora, he snarked, “Sorry, sweets, but I was growing old waiting for you to get to me. We’re The Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s what we call ourselves. Sort of like a team. ‘The Universe’s Mightiest Heroes’ type thing.”

“That’s my line,” Tony grumbled under his breath.

“Actually, they call me Star-Lord,” Quill corrected as he stepped forward, hand extended, pointedly ignoring Gamora’s eye roll.

“And you can call me anytime,” Tony crooned in his best seductive voice, which was pretty damn good. His right gauntlet folded back upon itself effortlessly and he grasped Quill’s warm hand, shaking it a bit longer than necessary. Quill blushed slightly, which made Tony grin. _‘I still got it’,_ he thought cheerfully.

“We know who you are, Anthony Stark,” Gamora said, interrupting the magical moment.

“It’s why we chose this spot to land,” Mantis added with a nod of her head which made her antennae bounce gently. 

Tony stopped shaking Quill’s hand (much to the man’s disappointment) and regarded the two females suspiciously. “You know me? How? ‘Cause if it was those damn YouTube videos again, I swear I’m just gonna buy that fucking company and burn it to the ground. I don’t care what my lawyers say.”

“Ain’t you Iron Man, the guy that blew up the Chitauri army?” Rocket asked, waving at Tony’s armor. “I mean, ‘cause your outfit is kind of a dead give-away. Great suit, by the way. Nice and shiny.”

“Thanks, I polished it today. You wouldn’t believe the amount of Turtle Wax I go through in a week, and that’s not including the extra-curricular activities. And yeah, I nuked some alien space ships, but in my defense, they were sort of destroying Manhattan at the time, so they definitely deserved it.”

“Your name is known throughout the cosmos,” Mantis informed him, respect and awe in her voice.

“They sing songs of you and your legendary deeds!” Drax boomed, excitedly.

Tony pondered that for a moment before saying, “Well, I suppose that weekend party at Hef’s in ‘05 would qualify me as a ’legend’ but that doesn’t explain how YOU know who I am.”

“I am Groot.”

At that, Tony eyed the group skeptically, then shook his head. “Bullshit. You’re pulling my leg.”

“That is impossible,” Drax declared emphatically. “We are standing too far away to even touch you let alone pull your leg.” Off to the side, Quill did a dramatic face-palm.

Tony continued to study the individuals in front of him, searching for any sign that they were joking but it was obvious they were serious. He laughed uneasily. “No, ah…see, I think you’re mistaken. I’m not even a hero on this planet, let alone across the universe. You can ask anyone. I mean, Rogers probably has a entire notebook filled with my faults. And I’m pretty sure S.H.I.E.L.D. had to start a second file cabinet.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mr. Stark,” Quill said. “You actions saved many worlds from invasion. Billions of beings, trillions maybe, owe their lives to you. You are indeed a hero, and it is an honour to finally meet you.”

For once in his life, Anthony Edward Stark was truly speechless. He just stared at the six beings in front of him as he tried to process what they were saying. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been told he did something good, never mind getting any praise for it. “I, ah…wow. Okay. Thanks,” he finally stammered. “That’s, um, good to know, I guess. It still doesn’t quite explain why you’re here, though. I mean, you could have just sent me a cookie bouquet or something.”

“We’re here because of Thanos,” Gamora stated simply. 

“Say who?” Tony shot back.

“He’s Gamora’s father,” Mantis answered.

“Adoptive father,” Gamora corrected. “Intergalactic terrorist, genocidal maniac, menace to all life forms…“

“Big time dickbag,“ Rocket added, disdainfully. 

“Yeah, that, too,” Gamora agreed. “He wants to rule the universe and impose his will on every living creature in it. And Terra is first on his list.”

Tony huffed. “I‘m guessing we‘re ‘Terra‘?” At Gamora‘s nod, he whinged, “Jesus Christ on a fucking crutch. What did we do to piss him off?”

“Besides blow up his army?” Rocket retorted.

“You ever hear of the Infinity Gauntlet?” Quill asked.

“Opening band for Black Sabbath?” Tony guessed.

Gamora just grimaced. “Why am I destined to be surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy?”

Quill quickly began talking fast before Gamora’s sword made an appearance. “Best as I can explain it, there’s this glove, and it holds these six stones…”

“Infinity Stones,” Rocket supplied.

“Right, Infinity Stones,” Quill continued. “They’re really old and super powerful and whoever has the glove and those stones can rule the universe. Thanos already has four, so once he gets the final two…”

“The Mind Stone and the Time Stone,” Tony interrupted.

Mantis’s already big eyes grew bigger in surprise. “How do you know about those?” she asked breathlessly.

“Oh, that’s easy,” Tony said. "I’ve got them.“

"WHAT?!??!” the Guardians all exclaimed, well, all except Groot, who exclaimed, “I AM GROOT!”

“Not ME personally,“ Tony clarified. “My friend, Stephen Strange, has one of them. Well, I SAY friend. Sorry. Bad ‘Sherlock’ joke. Had to do it. Anyway, it’s encased in this pendant called the Eye of Amaretto or something like that. Tacky ass thing, but major league hoodoo I can tell you that. We got drunk once and he used it to turn me back into a virgin so he and Rhodey could…”

“And the other stone?” Gamora prompted, not wanting to know where that story was going.

“Yeah, the Mind Stone.” Tony chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, it’s currently embedded in the head of my accidental mystical android son.”

Gamora rubbed her eyes tiredly and groaned, “I really don’t even want to know.” Tony got the feeling that was her default reaction to most things. “The point is, we have to get to them before he does or else…”

Quill mouthed ‘Ka-Boom’ while miming an explosion with his hands.

Tony mulled their words over before confirming, “So you’re telling me that we’re going to be invaded by space aliens again. Extra-terrestrial armies, space ships, powerful super-beings, advanced weapons, all that shit, right?”

“Exactly,” Quill replied. “That’s why we journeyed across the galaxy. To warn you and maybe help Terra prepare for…”

But he didn‘t get to finish what he was saying as Tony let out a sudden, excited shout, “That is fucking AWESOME!”

Everyone just stared at Tony in confused silence until Drax asked, cautiously, “It is?”

“Fucking A+ it is!” Glancing upwards, Tony screamed to the sky, “You hear that, Rogers! I was right, you sanctimonious twatwaffle! You and Barton can both eat me!”

Rocket snorted. "Twatwaffle. I like that. I’m stealing it.”

“What else is new?” Gamora scoffed.

“Um…” Quill started, but Tony just talked right over him. “For years I tried to tell them. I kept saying, ‘The aliens are coming back‘. ‘They’re gonna kick our asses‘. ‘They’ll make New York look like a day at Disneyland’, but would they listen to me? Oh no. They were all like ‘You’re crazy, Tony.’ ‘You’re drunk, Tony‘. ‘You’re being paranoid, Tony.’ ‘You’re talking out of your ass, Tony.’ Well, suck my hairy balls, you assclowns, because I fucking NAILED IT!” He ended his victory speech with a couple of fist pumps and a happy ‘robot dance’, including some moon walking which looked rather graceful even in the armor, proving it probably wasn’t the first time he had done it.

Quill gave a long, low whistle of approval. “Sick moves, bro!”

“Like 'em?” Tony said with a saucy smirk. “Had a private session with Beyonce once. And then we did some actual dancing.”

“If I ask nicely, will you teach me later?” Quill inquired. 

Tony nodded, his smirk growing. “Oh, yeah. That’s the plan, Hot Stuff.”

Mantis leaned towards Gamora and asked uneasily, “Are we sure this is the man who will save the universe?”

Gamora stepped forward, determined to reason with this obviously eccentric (though desperately needed) man and get their mission back on track. “Mr. Stark, if you would just…”

Tony held up his hand to silence her. “No, no, sweetheart. Wait a minute. Let me enjoy this for a few seconds. I’ve earned it. And please, it’s Tony.”

“I like this guy,” Rocket announced, hands–or rather, paws–on his tiny hips.

“As I was saying, TONY,” Gamora continued, undaunted, “super villain on the way, imminent interplanetary war, millions of planets at stake, not much time. Need a plan. Is there some place we can talk?”

“Yeah, sure, you can all stay up at the Compound,” Tony replied, breezily. “We’ve got plenty of room. Most of the team is out on a mission right now. I only stayed behind because I promised Parker I’d help him with his senior class science project. Not that he really needs it—the kid’s a goddamn genius but he seems to like my input for some reason. I think he does it for the hugs and the Double Stuf Oreos. And Strange is mixing it up in the multi-verse somewhere. He’s gonna be so stoked to meet you, Star-Lord. All the awesome facial hair bros!”

Quill’s smile was almost blinding. “You called me Star-Lord!”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Tony commented. “It’s much cooler than ‘Peter’, and cool’s the rule right? Hey, I just thought of something–I’ve got TWO Peters now! I really should make some kind of pervy sex pun about that.”

“Please don’t,” Gamora muttered. “It’s really not necessary.”

“You don’t know me very well,” Tony grinned. “Man, I can’t wait until Rhodey gets a load of you guys. He’s gonna lose his shit!”

“Isn’t that what you want to do with sh–” Drax began but Gamora quickly cut him off before he could finish. “And our ship?”

“Don’t worry about your ship–it’ll be totally safe. Eject!” With that, the Iron Man suit opened and Tony stepped out, dressed in the tight black jeans and even tighter black tank top he was wearing when FRIDAY had sounded the alarm.

“GUH!” Quill gasped as Tony Stark was fully revealed for the first time, noting that he DEFINITELY put that smoking hot Rajak girl to shame.

Tony preened a bit. _’Oh yeah, definitely still got it’,_ he thought, but instead he patted the suit‘s shoulder and said, “52 here will watch over it for you. He’ll like that. Will make him feel useful. Sentry mode.” At the command, the suit closed back up and raised its arms to chest level, repulsors at the ready.

“Fucking cool,” Rocket stated, clearly impressed.

Tony preened some more. He liked it when people geeked out with him over his tech–even when those people were walking, talking raccoon-like things. “I know, right? You should see the awesome shit I’ve got in development. I’ll give you a tour of my lab later. You’ll love it. Your whiskers may never stop twitching.” 

“That might not be a great idea,” Quill warned, recognizing the scheming twinkle in Rocket’s eye. 

“Nah, it’s a great idea. I always have great ideas.” Slinging an arm around Quill’s shoulders, Tony started leading him towards the Compound. “For instance, there was this one time that me and Reed Richards–great guy, maybe you‘ll get to meet him if Disney ever gets the rights back from FOX–anyway, we had this idea to… oh wow, is that an actual Zune? Cool. Haven’t seen one of those in years. Retro-tech. You’ll get along great with Parker. That’s my other Peter by the way. Still haven’t thought of a good sex pun yet. Seriously, you should see what that kid can do with a Nintendo Game boy, a roll of copper wire, and a box of Legos. Here,” digging into the back pocket of his jeans, Tony slapped a cellphone into Quill’s hand. “Starkphone 8.0 Latest model. Not even on the market yet.“

“Why would I need a phone in outer space?” Quill asked, puzzled.

“It holds 50,000 songs, not including the entire AC/DC song library, which comes pre-loaded,” Tony explained. “Cost me a fortune for the copyrights, but totally worth it. Can you believe there are people out there that don’t know the words to 'Highway to Hell’? I mean, what’s wrong with this world? Maybe I should let Thermos have it after all.”

“Thanos,” Rocket corrected.

Tony waved his hand dismissively. “Him, too.”

Gamora shook her head and admonished, “Is everything a joke to you?”

“Funny things are,” Tony shot back automatically. “Whoa, déjà vu!”

“Did you say FIFTY thou–?” Quill couldn’t even find the words he was so overwhelmed. Throwing his arms around Tony, he gave the man a huge bear hug. “I love you, bro.”

“Yeah, I hear that a lot,” Tony laughed, patting Quill on the back. “Would this be a good time to tell you I fully intend to go old school Captain Kirk on you later? Explore the final frontier, if you get my drift.”

“Just so you know, I don‘t put out just for a phone, even one as awesome as this,” Quill bantered back, caressing said phone as if it were the greatest treasure in the universe. “You also have to buy me dinner.”

Tony squeezed Quill‘s shoulder and grinned widely. “Oh absolutely, Star-Lord. I know how to properly woo a guy. Way to a man’s heart, all that jazz. Hey, do you like shawarma? I know this great place. They deliver. Well, they’ll deliver for me. They’re back in the city so it’ll take a couple of hours but I guarantee it’s the best food you folks have ever eaten.” Calling over his shoulder to the other Guardians, he asked, “Anyone else in?”

“I should like to try it,” Mantis said with an excited smile, hurrying to catch up with Tony and Quill. “I like experiencing new things.”

“There are so many ways I could respond to that, but most of them will get me slapped,” Tony quipped.

“Or worse,” Quill said. Leaning close to Tony’s ear, he whispered, “Drax kinda has a crush on her, and his nickname is ‘The Destroyer’.”

“Say no more,” Tony whispered back, happy for the warning, though truthfully he only had eyes for Captain Hottie anyway. To Mantis he said, “Just follow me, my dear lady. I’ve got a whole world of new things to show you.” To the others, he gestured grandly towards the Compound, “C’mon Treebeard. You too, Crash Bandicoot. Right this way.”

“I am Groot?”

Tony stopped, turned around, and dramatically clutched at his chest in horror. “Are you kidding me? You don’t know who Treebeard is? Fuck me sideways.”

“Do-able” Quill mumbled.

“That’s it, we’re definitely watching 'Lord of the Rings’ tonight. The Director’s Cut. You’ll love it. Oh, and don’t even think about stealing the suit, Meeko,” Tony warned, seeing Rocket making a move towards the Iron Man armor. “First off, it’s coded just to me, myself, and I, and it’ll turn you into a smoking grease spot faster than you can say ’boy, that was a dumb fucking thing to do.’ And second, it wouldn’t fit you anyway. No sweat. I can build you one. I’ve got some odds and ends hanging around the workshop. Should only take me a day or two.” He motioned to the last two Guardians. “You joining us, Green Bean? Conundrum? Shawarma for everyone!”

Drax followed along after the others, musing aloud, “How is it possible that he can talk out of his ass? They did not mention that in any of the tales. Indeed, he is a hero worthy of song!”

“Fuck my life,” Gamora muttered as she trudged after her team, knowing the hole in the galley door was going to have a new friend very soon. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> *Title is a play on the phrase, "Pennies from Heaven”, ie. unexpected good fortune, and as GotG use 'units’ instead of money, well, there you go.


End file.
